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bird^
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 11:14 am  Reply with quote
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Joined: 07 Jul 2005
Posts: 353

Its been a while since I've really talked to anyone around here and my egotistical head believes that some of you actually miss me/care about whats been going on in my life.

In general, my life has been pretty good. My girlfriend and I are going on 7 months in a few days and we still have alot of fun together. This surprises me since usually after about a month or so I get bored and/or afraid of commitment and back out, but we seem to still be going strong.

Santa claus was good to birdy this year, bringing me a PS3 and all kinds of other goodies. Holiday break was pretty nice as well. I still work at that casino, and besides Calc III last semester, I'm doing pretty well in school.

Despite all of these things, I seem to have found myself at a crossroads in my life. As I'm sure many of you around here know, I have always been a moderate drug abuser. To be honest, there really isnt anything that I haven't tried. Most of the substances in my expansive list I only tried once, a choice few of those I used consistently (once a week or less).

I've never had a problem seperating my real life and resposibilities from my moderate drug use. I never used impulsively and would consider myself an extremely responsible drug user. (Never driving, using compulsively, or forgetting obligations) This trend has continued for maybe 3 years or so.

I turn 20 in a month and to me that is a scary scary number. Just saying it I feel sort of old. I'm 20 years old. I've lived through 2 decades of time. To me turning 20 means its time to really start growing up and taking some reponsibility and stop wishing things could be like they were before. I need to accept that those days are over and unfortunatly I'll never have them back. These thoughts have led me to the conclusion that its really time to stop using drugs. Or at least slow my usage down massively.

Ok, so I have'nt been completely honest with you up to this point. Within the last year or so my usage has gradually increased. Never to an alarming level, but just enough so that I can feel it slowly creeping into my everyday life. I wouldnt classify anything as an addiction yet but more as a problem. All those years of "harmless fun" have suddenly and unexpectedly caught up with me.

Now that I've made the decision to stop, I suddely find myself in a hole I didnt know I was in. Its like going skydiving and realizing right as you pull the string you actually DONT have a parachute. It was all fun and games before, careless fun...but somehow it evolved into something else. I'm not even sure when it happened really, but suddenly I've been blindsided by this problem I never saw coming.

I always thought when I was getting into all of this that one day I would just "grow up" suddenly and I would want to stop using. I've come to the (scary) realization that this day will never come. I will NEVER wake up one day and say to myself "ok, you've had enough time to stop now" I will never WANT to do this. This really hit me like a ton of bricks. If I don't ever WANT to stop, will I be able to? How deep into this have I gotten myself already? These are both questions that I couldn't answer.

So basically now its come to the point where I NEED to stop. If I dont stop now, its only going to get harder and I'm only going to want to do this less. I can see the addiction coming, its definitely within view. Luckily I've come to all of these conclusions before I hit that point, because I can't even imagine what a full fledged addiction must be like. Just the position I'm in now is scary enough. I'm standing on a rope bridge guys, poised to fall into the pit at any moment. I really need to make it across now because I don't think I'll get another chance.

If anyone actually read this whole thing thanks for taking the time to check out where I am currently. This has been a rough week for me and I'm sorry if this caught anyone offguard. It certainly caught me off guard.

gg

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Mr. Happy
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:08 pm  Reply with quote
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Joined: 06 Dec 2004
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Yes, I read the whole thing. Sounds very familiar.

Read through this pamphlet and try your best to answer the questions honestly. For yourself. There is no grade. I can't tell you you have a drug problem or that you're an addict, but this can help clear up some of the questions you have.

http://www.na.org/ips/an/an-IP7.htm

I've been clean 14 years.

PM me if you have any questions, I'd be happy to call you if you want to talk.

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Chips
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:55 pm  Reply with quote
Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler
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Joined: 23 Nov 2004
Posts: 6505
Location: New Jersey

<3 teh bird man Cool

Recognising the problem, is more than half the battle right there. I give you credit for knowing it...and wanting to do something about it. Good Idea

That said...yeah, you're at the age when you have to buckle down a little...and grow up. I remember that time of my life very well. It's rough knowing your childhood is basically behind you. But...you'll survive it just like millions before you...trust me.

Story:
My next door neighbors daughter just turned 21...just one year older than you. I've known this young lady since she was 4 years old. She started school, got a good job at a local bank, bought a new car...and was doing well for herself. Then...she got mixed up with the wrong crowd, started with the drugs...and quickly fell straight down hill. She didn't roll of that hill...she plumeted and landed hard. She was recently arrested for posession AND intent to distribute because her boyfriend had 50 bags of coke on him. Confused

She's lost her job, the police confiscated her car for the distribution charge (she won't get it back and has to pay for it) and is facing jail time. You don't want this to be you. One day...your luck will run out. Either this will happen to you or you'll end up hurting yourself in some other way.

I DO understand, I DO know the feeling...I was there myself. My friends and family interviened and helped me or I wouldn't be here today. Again, you understand the issue...and are reaching out for help and understanding. We here on the forums can do little but write words of encouragement...talk to your friends and family. You'd be surprised how supportive they can be.

The high's in life you experience as an adult will be just as amazing. When you first hold your own child in your hands, it's a high you can't imagine. Getting that awsome promotion at work is a major high as well. And...in one year...you can drink your ass of legally. Laughing Just do it in moderation. You'll be fine. Good Idea

Our little birdeh is growin up...
<---sniffs Neutral

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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways! George Carlin - 1937-2008

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tiger
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 3:28 pm  Reply with quote
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Joined: 05 Oct 2005
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While i dont know anything about the drugs myself, i know what youre going through about the growing up part. Im 21 going on 22 and im having to grow up now as well. Not only that but i want to grow up. I remember thinking as well that there would be this one day that i would just *poof* grow up. One of the harder things im learning is that to get some things, you have to sacrifice others. It's very hard to let go of those things that were and that you wish could be again. I remember 3 years ago i had a mass of a friendship "group", and now i only have a few select friends in my "group". I know we all remember the good ol days at chips where the server was almost always populated with fun people and you could just hop on with some friends and have fun. Those days are long gone. Change will hit you fast and hit you hard sometimes and it can scare you, it scares me still today to think about major changes. For some it's hard to change also, even if you really desire to change.

Through high school and early college i was absolutely lazy, i loved just having tons of time to not worry about anything and do whatever. While this isnt a drug, i can honestly tell you that i was addicted to being lazy as if it was a drug. Even though i wanted to get up and do something productive, i just couldnt seem to make myself do it. I would tell myself over and over to just make that switch until one day i just hit that point of now or never. Although i didn't immediately take on 21 hours at school + a 40 hour a week job, making small steps is what got me out of that funk that could have easily ruined my life. Sometimes for it to work it has to be just a complete drop of everything, but if you start now making those small steps, as you see the end get a little closer and a little closer, it will help motivate you to continue on.

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-SoldierBoy-
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 4:18 pm  Reply with quote
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Its good to hear from you even though you are going through this and I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Getting into hard drugs can be dangerous and the sooner you stop the better. I know turning 20 is kind of a wake up call, but plan your life with the idea of living another 20 years, if you need support, don't hesitate to contact me.

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Falcon
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 4:56 pm  Reply with quote
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Joined: 07 Aug 2005
Posts: 2103
Location: South Amboy, New Jersey

sup bird. Wink

I kno habits are hard to break, especially dangerous ones, like the one ur in, drug abuse, but you have to WANT to stop. I mean we all can sit here and tell stories and inspire and it can help, it really can, but it's all up to you dude. What chips said "Recognising the problem, is more than half the battle right there." Well you've done that, that's a good thing. So what you need to do is distance yourself from the drugs, make the choice to stop and if you cant do it alone, then get help and talk to people who will help ya, support ya, and get you through this problem. No one can help you until you're willing to help urself, and thats what you gotta do. Whenever someone offers me a hit or some other drug, because it has happened before, i automatically turn it down because i treat it as a poison and why the f*** would i wanna get involved w/ it. No good comes from it. I kno i sound a lil harsh, but thats what you gotta pound into ur head bird. It's poison. Just take a long look at your life, think of all the positive things you have in life and go from there. If something like drug abuse is gonna prevent you from being moving forward in life or if its gonna take away those things, then get rid of it as soon as possible...ya kno, why would ya wanna jeapordize those things..?

The growing up part, everyone goes through it, there's no tactic or way of getting around it, it just happens. Like Chips said, millions have done it before you, and you will to.

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Toughsox
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:45 am  Reply with quote
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Joined: 26 Feb 2005
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Location: East Coast - New Jersey

All you gotta know......1 day at a time!!! Cool Smile

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Chips
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:57 am  Reply with quote
Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler
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Joined: 23 Nov 2004
Posts: 6505
Location: New Jersey

Toughsox wrote:
All you gotta know......1 day at a time!!! Cool Smile
Spoken like a true addict. Laughing Razz Wink

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The only good game, is a fair game...
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways! George Carlin - 1937-2008

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Mr. Happy
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 11:53 am  Reply with quote
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Joined: 06 Dec 2004
Posts: 748
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Sorry, a true addict would say, "I don't know where your wallet is, but I'll help you look"

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Controlled Chaos
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 6:02 pm  Reply with quote
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I belive you mean recovering addict Chips. Trust me I know all to much about these things as I am a friend of Bill W. Very Happy



Bird I know your looking for some kind of advice and some thing to point you in a direction in which to go along this journey of life. I was once like you a bit. High school was just that HIGH school for me. i would wake in the morning for school and on the walk to the bus stop i would light a joint and puff away on the walk. Get to school 10-15 minutes early and join my friends in the parking lot and light up another joint. Then we would plan on a time to meet up in the bathrooms during class to spark up another one in there. After school I would head over to their town and it would continue from there all the rest of the day till it was time to go home. One day up in my buddies garage we were getting lit and drinking up some crazy fruit/alcohol thing we made up. I was totally spaced out of it and waving my hands by my head in a parallel motion. I could hear my buddies laughing at something, was it me? I don't know. All of a sudden in my head I started to think to my self "I'M not high, I'm not high" over and over again......all of a sudden BAM! i sat straight up and looked at my friends as sober as a judge. Basically I changed the effects that the weed and alcohol had on me with my mind. Suddenly I thought to myself "If I can change the way drugs effect me with my brain why can't i use my brain to effect me without the need for drugs?" and so basically from that day i stopped smoking weed and drinking and other drugs as i had found a way to use my brain to create the same effects without the need for those things anymore.

So yea for a good 2-3 years I was what some people call Straight Edge. The thing that i feared the most when i made that choice was that i was going to lose my friends beacuse of that choice I made, but I was wrong as my friends and I still had other things we enjoyed doing that didn't involve those things we used to do. After High school we kind of grew apart as we lived in different towns but we still remain friends.

So yea I do drink occasionally but I have learned from my childhood and my father that abuse not only hurts you but it hurts others around you as well. So beacuse of my past i have made it a choice not to relive that past and to make my future different then what It could have been.

I know you are searching for a path and maybe someone to point you in a direction but to be honest with you its your path in which you must follow and its you that must point yourself in that dirrect to the path that YOU want to go in and noone else. Friends and family are mearly roadsigns and reminders along that path to help you stay in the direction you truely want to go its you that is doing the driving in this life.

A quote from Damien Marley " Life is a road so you drive with care, Fire can bust ya and you got no spare."

as always we are always here.

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Valkyllias
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:50 am  Reply with quote
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Joined: 15 Apr 2007
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I can't really say I know how you feel completely, beacause I never really got that into drugs, but about a year ago I hit that realization that things have to change, and I'm not really over it yet; I've still got a lot of fears and uncertainties about the future.

I haven't buckled down, or just started doing things better, I've just gotten more depressed and overwhelmed, taking all of my energy, making me barely want to move. It will take time to overcome, and it probably won't be easy, but the fact that my friends are always there for me, and all of you guys are here to cheer me up, keeps me going. Without the love of my friends(and family if I talked to them), I would just be a complete wreck, I wouldn't get out of bed, and I probably would have killed my self, which is something I swore I would never do, no matter how miserable I got.

In my opinion, when it comes to friendship qaulity is much greater than quantity. And don't underestimate the power of friendship and love, it can save your life.

EDIT:
Sorry about adding stuff, but ever since I posted, I've been thinking about all this and how much this sucks. It's made such a tiny problem, like, I don't have what I usually have to eat this late, and the only thing to make that takes no effort is something I don't really want right now, and it's made that inconvenience into something that makes me feel like complete crap. I ended up making the effortless thing that I didn't really want right now.

And I also realized that not everyone makes it through this. I used to think that someday I grow up and get married, that's what life was. It never accured to me that I wouldn't nessicarilly find someone I love and marry them. And when I realized that, it hurt bad, cause that's all I really want, and I thought that not only was it not garaunteed, it probablt wasn't going to happen to me. And I made the realization like 10 minutes ago, that not everyone gets through this fine. I could easily just lose my mind and become a bum, or I could just drop out of college and find some job to pay the bare minimum to live, and just live a sorrowful pointless life. I know the chances aren't too high for the first one, but I can actually see the second one happening to me.

Sorry to kind of change the focus of the thread I didn't mean to.

Oh! and by the way, just because I don't want to kill myself, doesn't mean I don't want to be dead, that'd fix everything. As I like to say, I don't want me to kill me, I want someone else to, so if anyone is interested, let me know and I will give the details and what not. Wink

The only thing really keeping me from being serious is that I don't want to make anyone sad, and I kind of have a promise to keep to someone(that's you azn).

Again, sorry about this long post about me. I just don't talk about this much, and it felt good rant a bit. Thanks for putting up with it.

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bird^
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 11:00 am  Reply with quote
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Thanks for all the support guys, its really good to hear that I wasn't the only one who had this issue.

Quote:
We here on the forums can do little but write words of encouragement...talk to your friends and family. You'd be surprised how supportive they can be.


Ah if only it was that easy. I don't really have much of a family anymore...my parents are divorced, my brother is in rehab, and me and my dad (who I live with) don't get along at all and barely ever speak to each other. I find it really hard to talk to my parents in general, let alone reach out for help from them.

My friends are even worse. Most of them are already hardcore drug users. It really sucks because I was there to personally watch their lives go from bad to worse. I can honestly say they are way different people now then they used to be. Some of my best friends have turned into selfish, uncaring, burntout zombies due to all of this crap. I tried to stop the whole process but for many of them it was too late.

The biggest problem with this is that I can't really hang out with them anymore. All they do is go out and get f***ed up whenever possible. Yeah its fun occasionaly, but thats what their lives have become now, they dont do ANYTHING else. So I either have to use with them, or not hang with them at all. This really hurts, I dont want to stop seeing my best friends, but at this point in my life I think its for the best. Besides, when I really think about it, they aren't really the same people that made them my best friends in the first place anymore.

Anyway...long story short, I'm going to have to do this on my own. I really do appreciate your responses though.

Thanks

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Valkyllias
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:10 pm  Reply with quote
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Seriously, get x-fire and add those of us who have it to you friends, we can talk or even just listen, I've found that it really helps. When all of my "real" friends were busy or whatever, these guys really made me feel better.

And it may be that you have to finish it on your own, but you don't have to go through it alone, we're all here for you. And I know it may sound kind of dumb that a little box that someone is putting words in is gonna help you feel better, but it does.

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Chance!
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:35 pm  Reply with quote
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Valkyllias wrote:
Seriously, get x-fire and add those of us who have it to you friends, we can talk or even just listen, I've found that it really helps. When all of my "real" friends were busy or whatever, these guys really made me feel better.


This is definately a good option. You can join our little chat if you want, or just find someone on. Recently, it seems, a bit more and more of cfh has slowly started joining our little xfire group.

I personally wish you the best of luck and will power, i've known quite a few people to have issues trying to stop, with some failing and some succeeding, so I hope for your sake you are able to. You seem to know what you have to do - which is a huge step already.

You can probably also find others online going through the same stuff you are or have done it in the past pretty easily. I wouldn't be surprised if you can find forums devoted to similar things.

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gilliam
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:44 pm  Reply with quote
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bird^ wrote:
I don't want to stop seeing my best friends, but at this point in my life I think its for the best.
best friends are in your best interest. your best interest is positive influences, so if a best friend isn't a positive influence, its not in your best interest to stick around.
you could let them know that you wont hangout w/ them anymore for that reason, it may get them to shape up too.


i started hanging out IRL w/ a friend i met online starting last may. at the time i thought he was a friend, then money got in the way. it started out w/ me paying a month of his apartment rent(he lost the apartment), then a car(he ended up not paying the bank and it got repoed), then this and that and finally im 20K in the hole and he was still asking for money, especially for pot.
i smoked pot for about a year with him, starting before the money trouble. it took me getting sick for a week and him still wanting me to drive him around after his car was repoed. when i got better i hung out and helped him again. after a week of being well, i got sick for a week again and he wanted me to do the same yet again while i was SICK!. he was draining me financially and i couldnt pay my own bills and my cellphone got shut off in the mess. i decided "f*^ this" and ceased contact with him. he was trying to change me too! telling me to not do the things i like to do, not listen to the music i like, wanted me to get tattoos(hell no!).

im pot free since late september and have a good job again(not good paying, but i like it and it will pay the bills)since beginning october. i hear from his family that he has a good paying job now, so i may hit him up for what he owes soon(besides the point).

if that was too long and you didnt read it, best friends are only in your best interest. if a friend isnt in your best interest, is he/she really a friend anymore? if not, get out of it. (besides, a few of his friends are still my friends on good terms.)

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